Madness. PTSD. Stress. Anxiety. Depression. HORROR

And this is the other side to me.

Sitting here, waiting for time to tick over until I head out the door to work.

 

Work.

Yes. Thats it.  Night Shift.  I have been doing this job since 1995.  It is now 2014.  That is a long time to do one job and when you know what it is I do, well….there are no words.

I probably have depression. I am certain I have PTSD.  Anyway….

 

What has caused it? 

 

It wasnt the day I went to the lady who murdered her kids.  It was being hauled in front of management and being ‘reprimanded’ for insisting that no further resources be sent to the location.  I didnt see any reason to expose any of my colleagues to that horror.  Sadly, one of the colleagues (who was never officially trained in EMS – but apparently was a great hairdresser in her country….), well, that colleague thought she needed to see it and complained because I ‘limited’ her training and exposure.  No, sweetheart, I didnt. I allowed you to sleep at night. I allowed you to hold your baby girl in your arms, and not see the bloodied lifeless face of the babygirl I see when I close my eyes at night.

 

It wasn’t the Infarct I got stuck in the lift with.  It was having management ‘reprimand’ me for taking too long to return to service.  The same management who never asked the reason for the delay. Nor did they inquire as to how I felt about being stuck in the lift.  They dont know of the claustrophobia….. 

 

It wasnt, in my first 6 weeks as a student, the man who died,   on the road after headbutting a 4WD. Nor was it the fact that my experienced partner left me at the scene by myself and disappeared into the crowd, to magically reappear, half an hour later, at the hospital.  It was the managers who loudly protested that the runaway partner did nothing wrong and I was never to mention the situation again.

It wasnt the 15yo car thief who stole the car and killed his siblings in it. It was the injustice with which my colleagues were treated as they were blamed for the incident – because they gave chase to a stolen vehicle – not knowing it was a bunch of kids in the car.  These things are pretty hard to see, in the dead of night.  It wasnt listening to the screams and anguish of the 15yo, with his head trapped between the headrest and the roof of the car, looking at the siblings he had just killed. Although, I must admit, I do hear those screams.  I hear him screaming ‘You fucking pigs, you made me do this’.

This has been my life, since the mid ’90’s.  I dont sleep. I cry a lot. Am I suicidal? No, I cant be, I have kids to look after.  They are the only reason I go on.  Without family, I have nothing. 

It is….it is that they very very rarely, if ever, say ‘Hey, are you ok mate?’….or…’hey, you did a great job’….. yep. thats it…

 

 

 

 

Chalk Paint – I am learning!

Antique. Old, Country. Shabby Chic.  Call it what you will, it is that old fashioned, shabby yet classy, pretty, whimsical look, the look I love.   

Im not wealthy, I dont have a bucket load of spare cash just hanging around (sadly).  What I do have is the ability to try.  I also have the ability to fail, often spectacularly. 

I wanted an occasional table to put beside my couch, something upon which to rest a cup of tea, or a vodka, depending on what the day has dealt me.  I had an idea what I wanted, but thought it was not achievable on my budget. Then I found out about Chalk Paint.  Gotta love Youtube!

Im cheap, ok! Really, I will go to the extra effort so I can save a penny.  I found out about Chalk Paint, then I found a recipe to make my own.  Next step was shopping for supplies.  $1.04. Yes, you read that right.  Expensive hay.  I already had a bag of lime in the shed – I use brickies lime because it is powder fine (you can also use plaster of paris if you like).  I also already had paint brushes.  

Next stop – our local recycle centre.  The centre is actually a shop set up at the local rubbish dump.  The council go through junk people dump, stick it in their shop sell it to people like me 🙂  I wasnt sure what I would find, but was stoked with what I did find!  I found this ugly little brown table. Really, it truly is ugly.  It was $5.  Yes, it is ugly….but it it sturdy and I had a vision!  

 

Chalk Paint is amazing. It requires minimal preparation. All I needed to do was wipe the table down with a wet cloth and wait for it to dry.  Then, I got a pot of paint, added the lime and watched it turn into an unusable clump.  I think I added too much.  That was disappointing, it was a really pretty pastel pink.  Not to be put off, I tried again, with a second pot, a kind of grey colour.  It worked.  

I painted the table.  It took about half an hour to dry then I painted it again.  Chalk Paint has a rough, gritty texture.  Im not sure if it is supposed to, but mine does.  I liked the look of the table, but not the feel, so back to Bunnings for a can of varnish – $15.  I put on 2 coats and was stoked! I have used less than a quarter of the tin of varnish and half of the pot of paint.  This is what I ended up with.  

 

Sorry about the thumb in the corner! 

 

Grand total, approximately – $8.  Yes, I am stoked.  I love it. It was cheap, looks cute and serves a purpose.  My tea or vodka fits perfectly.  

 

Chalk Paint – sticks to anything, or so I am told.  More projects to come!